George's killer instinct

The whole family were messing about in the living room last night. George the pup was running around with a candle in his mouth doing Dali impressions, and Neetch was trying to get on to high places so she could escape from him. We were, to our shame, watching ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. I’d paused it for a moment so we could stock up on Gin and Tonic and let the dogs calm down a bit.

Suddenly, George started going completely crazy. He was barking fit to burst, as if there were some evil intruder in the room and his life depended upon alerting us to it so we could kill it with sticks or something. I followed his gaze to the television screen. George was snarling and yapping at none other than the delectable Amanda Holden. She was paused in the frame with a particularly odd expression on her face. She did look frightening. George was shouting at her “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FREAK! MUM! MUM! THERE’S A FREAK IN THE LOUNGE!”

No-one can tell me that my dog hasn’t got impeccable instincts. He understands exactly who we need to be protected from. So far, he’s taken umbrage with Bruce Forsyth, some newsreaders, and some Welsh people. That boy is going to make a superb watchdog. He has, obviously, no issues at all with Simon Cowell. He may not have learned not to wee constantly all over the sofa, but he is definitely a genius.