Things that are totally fruitless

I have a business meeting this morning, to get some information for a proposal. So, I have to:

·         Get up

·         Shower and scrub and pluck and buff EVERYTHIING

·         Moisturise

·         Apply loads of slap

·         Don a shirt and suit

·         Wear lipstick (not good, not me)

·         Polish my boots

·         Polish the dog (who will be sitting in the back of the jeep)

·         Polish the jeep (who will be sitting in the back of the building)

·         Polish my folder, which has somehow acquired some leftover wine and a peanut.

…And this is even before I have drunk coffee. Why do people feel the need to do things like this, just for an informal meeting? Why do I? I wear jeans. In fact, I wear jeans so hard they may as well be surgically attached to my ass. These people are not purchasing my capability to wear polished boots. They want my words. My words flow easier if I am wearing jeans. I WANT TO WEAR JEANS.

When I come home, hopefully high as a kite from landing a big job, I’ll go straight to the bathroom and scrub all the gunk off my face, and then put jeans on. This wastes time that could be spent watching Jeremy Kyle shout someone down on TV and sleeping. I vote for everyone to wear jeans and then the world would be a happier place. It may even cure cancer or prevent world poverty.

Fact of the day: Levi Strauss & Co. spent $46,532 buying a pair of its own jeans on an eBay auction in May 2001. The jeans were found in a Nevada mining town and date back to the 1880s.